I Got Another

Got another pregnant comment.

I'm not, and it makes me feel so disgusting.

Dale and I got into a fight about my E.D because I don't think he understands why I can't just, up and change it, Not that I blame him, I don't think I fully understand this.

At the same time I've gotten a few pregnant comments, I have gotten so many "your so tiny!" comments in the last few days, which I don't believe at all.

I need to be fucking thinnnnnnnnnnnn.

Pissed off at the scale

So I'm doing my end-of-week progress report today (Thursday) instead of tomorrow because my mom will be at home tomorrow and I probably won't be able to post.

I have been absolutely perfectly good this week. I snack on a few pro-vitas during the day (100cal total, max) to keep up my metabolism and make sure I get enough fibre, and then have dinner and try to keep calories as low as possible. I've been able to cut portions without my mom noticing, so dinner definitely hasn't been over 500cal once. Except last night, it might have gotten close to 600. But still, that's not so bad, right?

What I'm super pissed off about is this: Last night before dinner I was on 69.1kg (152.3lbs). Now if you don't know already - that is a very very big deal. I was looking forward to seeing 68.something today.  But no. 69.5kg this morning. Where the hell did that come from?!?! I'm assuming that my scale is being mean and screwing with my head.

So right now I'm sitting at home in my underwear, freezing my butt off. Literally, I hope. If you get a chance, google "lose weight by staying cold" and "brown fat". Very interesting.

So last weekend I did extremely well, and I'm hoping to do the same this weekend. It's very important that I not binge and gain this weekend, because I'm supposed to see The Boy on Monday.  His girlfriend is away and he doesn't have class on Mondays, so we're planning on getting together for coffee.  I can't help noticing that the more weight I lose, the more I see him. Coincidence?

On a totally unrelated note - I always wonder at what point are you supposed to stop referring to yourself and friends as "boys" and "girls".  I'm 23 and I still think of myself as a "girl". I cannot for the life of me get my head around being a "woman". Same with my friends. I think of them as "girls" and "boys" or at least "guys", definitely not "women" and "men". Like The Boy, he's 21 and looks older than he is - he's very tall and well-built and... well... manly. But as you've surely notice, I refer to him as "The Boy", not "The Man". Strange, isn't it?

Oh and btw, I had a dream last night that one of my friends saw this blog and asked me if this Emma is me.

OK, so please wish me luck for the weekend. If I go back over 70 it'll absolutely break my heart. I just can't.

xx

Todays hasn't been so well.

Well here's the situation.

Everyday I shoot for 450 cals, I randomly binge at night, and will really miss the mark.

so today I'm determined not to do that, and to instead stay at 450.

All was good until well, I ate veggies and cheese for breakfast (huge plate) for 150 cals. They, I dunno I wasn't even thinking and totally ate a Dove chocolate icecream bar for 250 cals.

so. Water up until I go to work, then I'll eat the last 50 cals, and then nothing after work. Thats how I'm gonna try to work this.

Wish me luck, I'm sick of being fat.

It's been a While....

Hi everyone I'm going to start posting.  I was down to 113.1 and I'm 5 foot seven inches.  I slipped now I'm 125 pounds.  I know I should be happy but instead I feel ughly and fat.  I just want to be thin again....can anybody understand this???!!!!

I Feel So Ugly

And it's just that.

I feel nasty, disgusting, fat, flabby, sweaty, puffy, bloated. Gross.

Like last night, Dale and I were doing it.

And I mean, there was a different reason for why this happened, and he promises me this, and I believe him, but.

(Explicit detail, I apologize)

He couldn't get it up, and I pretty much put it to the fact that I'm not losing weight. AT ALL!

I just keep gaining, and so we went on a date, and I just binge ate a shit ton of crappy food, and he kept asking me "Are you going to regret this later" and everytime I answered "Yes, but I want this" but I didn't want that. I want thin.

I want to be skinny.

I want him to want me because I'm skinny.

Why am I so fucking ugly and fat?

Guilty much D':

The boyfriend bought me a Strawberry & Cream Cheese Croissant this morning with a Carton of Earl Grey Milk Tea from a Hotel's Cafe today.  I ate it without thinking and I just checked the carton, it's 150 calories per serving of Earl Grey Milk Tea with 2 servings in a carton.  The croissant is 600calories by itself listed in the cafe's menu.  God... give me the power not to think of purging my meals later today :( I scheduled all my meals with friends today, which means inevitable binge... I don't want to purge...

I'm on track and doing terribly?!

okay, so the other day I litterally had enough.

I was at work and this girl from my old color-guard troupe came in, and goes, "Oh wow! How far along are you?!" I wanted to die.

I'm not pregnant. I'm just so fat.

So I'm back on track, did really well yesterday, and weighed in at 150.2

Got on the scale this morning. AND STILL WEIGHED 150.2!

The fuck?!

I don't get it.

Good Monday

So it's Monday morning 06:20 and I am on 70.4 kg (155.2 lbs). Now I don't expect anyone to understand what a massive big deal this is, but all I can offer as explanation is - this is the lowest I have ever been on a Monday. In years. Seriously. So I'm thinking this is going to be a good good week! What should my goal for this week be? Definitely under 69kg (152.1 lbs) by Friday. Preferably closer to 68 (149.9).  But very very definitely under 69. Can't wait!!

Have a good week, girls!
xx

Scaleless.

Really, I just have no balance.

Recently, I was diagnosed (finally) as anorexic with bulimic tendencies. I guess that was a relief? However, my psychiatrist didn't even bother to tell me I should stop purging. She just asks me how my bulimia is doing. It is bizarre. It's like bulimia is a pet rock or something.

I stopped purging for a while when school let out. But now that I am back at work I am back purging. To make matters worse I am on a weird convoluted diet: snocones, coffee and light fat free yogurt.

I don't go to the doctor. My depression is just getting worse. But I can't talk. To anyone about it. My parents can't go through this again. My boyfriend has a high stress job and is buying a house. My friends are in different cities for the summer. They don't understand anyway. I want to be perfect. For everyone.

Weight vs body fat

I've once again been pondering the whole weight vs body fat issue after I saw pics of finalists from some 12-week challenge thing. Check out the finalists:

1. Before: 71kg, 33.8% body fat
    After: 67kg, 12.2% body fat

2. Before: 73.3kg, 21.9% body fat
    After: 65.4kg, 12.88% body fat

3. Before: 64.7kg, 23.2%
    After: 58.3kg, 9.52%

4. B: 86.5kg, 22%
    A: 83.4kg, 12.88%

5. B: 80.6kg, 17%
    A: 73.6kg, 7.8%

6. B: 97kg, 13.5%
    A: 74kg, 7%

7. B: 80.1kg, 17.5%
    A: 69.2kg, 6.7%

8. B: 76.2kg, 11.2%
    A: 71.2kg, 7.3%

9. B: 82kg, 24.5%
    A: 67kg, 14.2%

10. B: 68kg, 20.6%
      A: 59kg, 10%

Like, look at #1. She only lost 4kg in weigh, but look how much body fat she lost - it's crazy! Then look at #6. He lost 23.1kg in weight, but he didn't lose much body fat compared to the others, although his body fat wasn't very high to start off with.

I just think it's an interesting thing to consider. Like, I'm not really losing at the moment according to the scale. But I'm pretty sure I'm still getting - not thinner, really. But less fat?  I had to tighten my belt by another hole again yesterday. And the new pair of jeans I bought 2 or 3 weeks ago already feels looser.

I think all of us get demotivated by the scale too easily. We should start letting our bodies tell us when we're losing or gaining, instead of the scale.  Although, believe me, I know that doesn't always work so well.

Anyway. Have a good weekend, girls!

xx

I did. Okay

I did okay yesterday. I had about 600 calories.

And I hate myself. I hate being so fat.

I almost wondered. You know how people say with our problem, they look in the mirror and see their fat, when honestly we are bone skinny?

I almost wondered if that was my problem.

But then I looked down, I was sitting, and my stomach hung over my pants, and my thighs touched, and I can feel an almost double chin.

Now that has to be real.

It's not fake.

I know it.

My boyfriend and family always tells me how skinny I look, how much weight I've lost, but the scale reminds me of my contast back and fourth battle.

I know I'm fat.

This isn't fake.

This helped me, & I hope it helps you too!

This helped me, & I hope it helps you too!

So you binged- now what?

Whatever the circumstances, you indulged in a binge. Now you’re likely feeling arange of emotions: guilt for having eaten so much food, anger for having lost control of your eating, and depressed over feeling so uncomfortably full. You may feel hopeless because of falling once again into an old, familiar pattern. Before you slip into feeling defeated, here’s an encouraging scientific nutrition fact: Even the biggest binge won’t add fat to your body. Adding body fat requires that you continue overeating over a period of time. An isolated binge will not have an effect on your body fat stores. You may gain weight the next day but that’ll only be from undigested food and bloat/water weight. After hopping back to eating better, that will all go away. With this thought in mind, here are some guidelines to putting a binge behind you and getting back on track.

STEP ONE: Take a chill pill.

Close your eyes, turn your face upwards, clear your mind, and take10 deep breaths. By the time you get to 10 you should be a lot calmer. Do not panic - panicking will only make things worse. If you want to fix this, you have to tackle it with a clear mind.

Lay it out simply: You are on a “diet”. You ate a lot of what you shouldn’t have eaten. Now you want to fix it and get back on track. That’s it. That’s all there is. The world isn’t ending. The terrorists haven’t won. And you’re going to fix this.

STEP TWO: Figure out exactly what happened.

Binges happen for a variety of reasons: excessive dieting, being in a semi-starved state, skipping meals, restricted intake, sense ofdeprivation, low blood sugar, lack of proper nutrients, coping mechanism for stress (sadness, anger etc), depression…the list goes on.To recover from your binge, you should try to figure out what caused this. Think back to how you were feeling at the time of the binge, and address that feeling. In the future, you can find other waysto deal with your feelings and cravings as long as you know why you binged in the first place.

STEP THREE: Drink some water.

Depending on what you’ve eaten, if you’ve been heavily restricting your caloric intake or if you’ve been fasting, your stomach might be a little upset. If you’ve been fasting for a long time, all that food could come as a shock to your system. Cushion the blow with some cool water - don’t drink a glass all at once, but try to sip at least three glasses in the next hour. It’ll also help deal with water-retention and bloating, which could make you feel fatter. It’ll help boost your metabolism and get your liver functioning so it can flush out all that disgusting food.

STEP FOUR: Get off your butt and get moving!

You want to feel good about your diet plans at the end of the day, right? You’ll feel much more satisfied knowing that, yeah, maybe you accidentally binged, but you worked your butt off to fix it, and that’s gonna makeall the difference. Even if it’s late at night, get out thelaptop and look up some 15 minute fitness videos, or just do some jumping-jacks, situps, running on the spot, etc, anything to get your heart pumping! The more you move, the more your body will forgive you for this binge, so go on, get moving!

STEP FIVE: Decide what you’re going to do now.

Binging can sometimes be good for you - by spiking your calorie count every once in a while, you can prevent your metabolism from going into “hibernation mode.”Not satisfied? Work out your diet and exercise plan for the next threeor four days to include a deficit of however many calories you estimate you binged on. Don’t fast the next day unless you’ve got real willpower, because excessive fasting is one of the top reasons people fall into a binge. Take a few days to recover from this, maybe cut outan extra 100 or 200 calories every day for a week to make up for it.

Binges happen. We’ve all been there, we all know what it feels like. You feel like shit. You feel worthless. You feel like you’ve ruined all your effort. But don’t lose hope. All is not lost.

Forgive yourself. Whatever you ate, I’m sure it was one of your favourites, and I’m sure it was just fucking delicious, so be glad you got a chance to enjoy it again! Pick yourself up and get back on the horse, the only time you really fail is when you quit completely -and you want this too bad to quit, I know you do.

Never, never, never give up.

After a binge -  DO NOT:

-Purge (unless you can’t help it, it’s easier said that done obviously and not purging —for me at least — is really hard because I hate feeling full). It’s extremely, extremely unhealthy behavior and is only going to hinder your weight-loss.

-Eat some more because you feel bad. I don’t need to explain why this isn’t going to work.

-Curl up in a little ball and cry. As much as you may want to, you’re going to feel tons better in the long run if youwork this out as soon as you regain control and stop eating.

Never, never, never give up.

Cited from:http://sfsunturnedskinny.tumblr.com/fyoubinges

The Weight I Gained Is Unacceptable

I will not allow this anymore. 400 cals only. If I go over?

I better excersize that shit off.

I don't know how I would punish myself. Myabe not weigh myself for a day and a half after I ate.

I need a good way to punish myself if I go over.
\
I want thin. I need thin. I will be thin.

Another goal not met

So it's Wednesday afternoon, I'm on 70.5-ish, and my birthday is tomorrow. I'll get under 70 by tomorrow (hopefully) but definitely not under 69 (obviously).  I really annoy myself. Sometimes I'm supermotivated and I can easily eat nothing, even when I eat dinner it's not because I want to (because I really don't) it's just because I have to to keep my mom off my back. And then sometimes I eat everything I can get my hands on, which at least I haven't been doing this week. And then sometimes, like this week, I just eat... I don't know, like a "normal" person would. Like, I have yoghurt for breakfast, some leftover dinner or a sandwich or something for lunch, and dinner as usual. Last night I even had ice cream after dinner. Only a little bit, but... ice cream? Are you kidding me? And one part of me is screaming that I have to stop eating, for goodness sake, while another disgusting part of me is just totally not bothered.

I never want to post pics here because I'm super paranoid that someone I know might stumble upon this blog and recognise me/my clothes/my house/something recognisable. But I took this pic this morning and carefully edited it to hopefully make it 100% unrecognisable.

This is me (this morning) in a pair of jeans I used to wear a few months ago. Back then it was tight. Now, please notice the roomy waistband and the sagging in the butt and thigh areas :) Yeah, sometimes I just put it on to remind myself how far I've come. I've lost 12 kg and yes, its taken me 10 months, which is a tiny bit more than a kg per month which is pathetic. But I lost it. And I can lose the rest of it. Even if it takes another 10 months. I mean, obviously I'd prefer it if I could do it in less time. But the most important thing is getting it off.

Right?

Not Much To Say

Besides I have no control.

None.

Waffles this morning.

My house is a fucking mess.

And I'm fat. fat. fat. fat.

I wish I coudl just rip all this weight off.

I hate being this way.